The Biased Manual to Forget a Guy


A few weeks ago, my friend A. was struggling with a broken heart. My friend N. couldn't understand why some guy stopped writing her. It's true. We've all been there. Forgetting someone is hard. It's fucked up. Let's say it clearly. It sucks balls trying to forget someone who danced Vprisyadku on top of your honest heart. And it seems that everyone has an opinion concerning people who screwed up our lives: from the most conservative, proper ones, to the dubious bipolar shit it's wrong even to think of.
So, because I'm always willing to provide valuable public service, here's a compilation of some advice I've heard about, with a pinch of Vio. 
Of course to make this exercise easier, we'll pretend that it's always the other part's fault. 
Let's go.

1. "Eat chocolates until you explode". Alright, ladies. I can totally see why the cocoa solution seems desirable. Crying with a box of chocolates is definitely better than crying with a stick of celery but remember - you're single now. You might not wanna put 20 kilos on. So go ahead and grab those Kinder bars but restrain yourself to like... 5. We're not trying to get diabetes here.

2. "Hit it off with his best buddy." Really? Why? I say, hit it off with his worst buddy. Someone he genuinely hates. That's much better if you're into this kind of thing. Or his brother. Or his dad. Now that would be priceless.

3. "Drink…I said drink." Yeah, it seems immature, but getting wasted generally does the job. Why do you think Shakespeare and Dostoyevski were such big drunks? Because they were chronically on the Superbowl of heartbreak. I'm not saying you should write a Pulitzer. I'm saying, keep your levels of alcohol intoxication high. Make sure you don't kill yourself, though. You're trying to forget a person, not trying to forget you have a liver.

4. "Make a list of everything he sucked at." Now, in this department, everything goes. Everything. Had terrible feet smell? Small penis? Snored to loud? Couldn't change a light bulb?His mother still washed his clothes? His favorite drink is a Cosmopolitan? Talked too much about his ex? Write it down and go back to it every time needed.

5. "Delete, delete, delete." I introduce you to the block button. It'll be your best friend from now on. Literally obliterate any sign of his passage on your life. Pictures, phone number, messages. Depending on how bad it ended escalate to different social profiles. Start with Facebook and then go to Whatsapp, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, Linkedin. If you want to go wild block him on Google +. Nobody cares about Google +. That should get the point across. 

6. "Revenge." Alright. this is really not my style. But if you really must, be creative. Call his bank and cancel all his credit cards. Put a pin on his doorbell after 2 o'clock in the morning. Call his work (be smart, pick the biggest gossip person there) and leave a message that his boyfriend called. Hire a skank to go to his favorite bar and make a scandal about having to provide for your 6 children.

7. "Avoid Happy couples." Let's be honest, who wants to be around two lovebirds who just cannot get enough of each other's faces when your heart just got run over by the disappointment truck? To be avoided at all costs - couples that are so happy that makes you wanna secretly murder them. 

8. "Spend half of your salary on clothes." Ok, note. This will empty your pockets but fill your ego. So I think this is ok. Were you married? If so, go ahead and do even better. Litigate and then spend half of HIS salary on clothes.

9. "Listen to sad songs." Now that is a shit advice. If you're sad, why would you wanna be miserable? Get your shit right. Here's a list of musical no-go's: - Creep by Radiohead, Time After Time by Cindy Lauper, Yesterday by The Beatles, Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus, Wicked Games by Chris Izaak, How can you Mend a Broken Heart by Al Green, Unbreak my Heart by Toni Braxton or anything by Adele. 

10. "Let time pass." Now, this is the kind of advice that will make you wanna shoot yourself in the head. "Time. How much time? I want this gone NOW." But in the end, time does its job, and this is probably the wisest advice of all. Try to see the bigger picture. Somewhere in that picture might be a Jackie Coke and a hot italian guy.

(dear readers: this is obviously a joke. You should never sleep with your ex's dad. Unless it's Sean Connery. Then definitely do.)

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