The Unbearable Silliness of Being (on Facebook)


Freedom of speech is a beautiful thing, just like the advent of the internet. But let's be honest, put the two together and Internet just became an infinite well of silliness. Every time I get an invitation to play Candy Crush, I have an Ally McBeal fantasy where the internet police visits these people, hits them a couple times with a telephone list and confiscates their router.   
Unfortunately, this is not possible (buhhhhh) so Mark Zuckerberg invented the Unfollow button, coming to the rescue of every soul tormented by the social stupidity of posting. And because freedom of speech goes both ways, if you are one of the following people, I hope your Hamster chews your internet cable. 

1. The "Copy paste this on your wall..." people. Do you seriously think facebook is gonna close? Do you actually believe that if you post a legal notice not allowing facebook to do whatever you say they are up to this time, that is legally binding? Then guess what. You are legally stupid.

2. The "Couples with a joint profile" people. Awww... That's sweet. I love that you renounce to any individuality you might had in the name of love. Thumbs up for that. Now I only have to click "unfollow" once. 

3. The "Passive-Aggressive incognito messages" people. I love these ones. They publicly post cryptic messages, generally directed at one specific person, in a vague, mysterious way, for the whole world to read. "I'm over it" or "These boots are made for walking". One note for you: I hope you put those boots on and walk away from your internet browser. 

4. The "Stupid Questions" people. People who post shit like "What is the weather tomorrow?" or "What time does X place close?"  The time it took you to post this is the same it takes to google it. Seriously. You have fingers.

5. People who answer the "Stupid Questions" people.  Man. You're dumb. 

6. People who invite you to play Candy Crush.  This specific type of people is characterized by absolute amnesia. I denied that request. Every time. For the past 6 years. I hope you meet Candy Crush's biggest geek, and that he tries to align your eyes with your nose. 

You are all on my blacklist. I hope you are hit with an infinite storm of  'enlarge your penis' Spam. 
Thank you, that was all.

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